An Unconventional Pleasure
by Story Please
Summary: Strange noises are coming from the other side of a door. And, as always, Harry and Ron, and pretty much every character in the HP universe needs to know what it is. But, as they will find out, some things are best left a mystery.
**Author's Note** : A little diversion for Corvus, as requested, to break up the monotony of care plans and the daily grind.

* * *

 **An Unconventional Pleasure**

" _Please_ , Severus!" Hermione moaned loudly.

"Hush! Someone is going to hear!" Severus hissed.

"I don't care! I can't wait a moment longer!" Hermione panted.

"Hn. Fine. You will have to remove _this_ if you want me to get optimal access." Severus replied, the wicked grin on his face clearly discernable through the tone in his voice.

* * *

"What are you doing over here, Harry?" The voice was in his ear and he jumped, barely covering his mouth to cover the yelp that escaped.

"Shhhh, Ron!" Harry hissed, grabbing his best friend and covering his mouth. "I was walking past Snape's room and…"

"Come _on_ , Severus! My body is ready!" Hermione cried from the other side of the door, and Ron's face began to flush with fury.

"Lemme in ther-!" Ron cried before Harry pulled his wand out and cast a Full Body Bind, freezing Ron in his tracks.

"Hermione is an adult, Ron," Harry whispered back, "but it doesn't mean that I'm not going to barge in there if something bad happens. I'll let you go as long as you agree not to interfere. Blink once to let me know you understand."

Ron blinked once.

Ron stood unfrozen next to Harry moments later, his ear against the door as he crossed his arms with discontent.

"What are you two perverts doing, anyway?" A voice cried out from behind them. Harry and Ron turned abruptly, meeting the narrowed brown eyes of Ginny, who was looking suspiciously at them.

Ron pointed at the door. "It's Snape! He's got 'Mione trapped in his greasy clutches!"

"Ahh, yes, right there!" Hermione hollered from the other side of the door, and Ginny began to smirk evilly.

"Ah, yes, that _does_ sound like a woman who is _trapped_ ," Ginny replied, arching her eyebrow and looking at Harry until he began to blush, "I, myself, have known to get myself _trapped_ like that from time to time. It was _thoroughly_ enjoyable."

Ron looked from Harry to Ginny and snorted in disgust. "I _really_ didn't need to know that."

"I can tell you about how we-"

"Oh, is this one of those hallway parties that has become so fashionable lately?" A soft spacy voice said from behind Ginny.

"Oh, hi, Luna." Ginny turned, putting her hand to the side and stage whispered to her friend, "Hermione and Snape are in there and the boys here are just making sure that Hermione doesn't need their help."

"Oh!" Luna exclaimed, looking at Harry and Ron before breaking into a big grin. "I didn't know that you were into group sex! How lovely! I've never tried it before!"

Ron went scarlet and slowly slid to the floor until he was leaning against the door, covering his ears and keeping his eyes shut tightly, muttering to himself that "girls are more perverted than I ever imagined…"

"That's right, _brother_ ," Ginny replied, crossing her arms and smirking, "and don't you forget it!"

"Do you like when I do _this_?" Severus purred.

Hermione didn't answer in words, but the sharp cry that escaped her lips was enough to make everyone in the hallway blush like mad, even Ginny.

There was a sharp crack in the hallway as Fred and George Apparated out of nowhere.

"Did someone say _brother_?" George said with a laugh.

"I think she was referring to me, George!" Fred replied, looking at Ginny with big puppy dog eyes. "You did mean _me_ , right?"

"Drop dead, Fred!" Ginny replied sarcastically, sticking out her tongue at him.

Fred fell to the floor, grasping at his chest and closed his eyes, sticking his tongue out. After a moment, he opened one eye. "Did I do it right?"

Ginny snorted and rolled her eyes.

"I never realized the ol' Greasy Git had it in 'im!" George commented with a fox-like grin as he helped his brother up off the floor. "Just listen to her! Funny, I never took her for a screamer!"

"You obviously never had her lecture you for asking to copy off her homework," Harry replied, which made the twins double over with laughter.

"I may just have to ask Severus for some pointers," Bill said, looking thoughtful as the twins did a double-take at his sudden appearance behind them.

"Ah, _yes_ ," Fleur purred from his side, stroking her husband's cheek, "I could geet used to _zat_."

Hermione was speaking in tongues from the other side of the door as Sirius and Remus appeared, both looking somewhat disheveled, looks of concern on their rosy cheeks.

"What is going on here, Harry?" Lupin asked, his eyes widening as another moan escaped from the other side of the door.

"Good girl," Severus purred, "Just let it happen."

"God, yes, Severus!" Hermione cried.

"OH NO HE-" Sirius fumed, prompting both Bill and Lupin to hold him back.

"It's not worth it, mate," Lupin said gently, "They're consenting adults. It'd be wrong."

"Snivellus _defiling_ a Gryffindor like a deprived snake is _wrong_!" Sirius hollered.

"WHADDIDYA JUS' SAY?! DON' WORRY 'ERMIONE! I'MMA COMIN' TA SAVE YER!"

"Oh no," groaned Lupin as the floorboards began to shake. A massive, hulking shadow flew down the hall and everyone did their best to jump out of the way to avoid Hagrid, who was running down the hall like a steam locomotive.

 _CRASH_!

The heavy oak door was no match for an angry, sprinting half-giant and Hagrid landed on his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Everyone gathered around the doorway, their morbid curiosity too great to deny, except for Ron, who sat against the side of the hall rocking back and forth and covering his ears.

Hermione was sitting on the narrow bed in a tank top staring at everyone, her eyes wide with shock. Severus was sitting behind her, his long, slender fingers on her bare back. Hermione had pulled her hair into a loose braid, which swung down the front of her chest on one side, exposing the skin on her back so that he could scratch it. Severus, on the other hand, had an expression on his face that looked as though it could boil lead. Even Sirius backed away from the doorway as Severus cast his Gaze of Ultimate Disdain at each of the would-be voyeurs.

"Well, it's been fun!" George and Fred cried, Disapparating with a loud CRACK.

"Tch, cowards!" Ginny said dismissively, "C'mon Luna, let's go back to catching Wrackspurts in the backyard."

"Yay! I'm glad you're finally getting the hang of it!" Luna replied, putting her arm around Ginny. "Hermione, I just want you to know that your moans are really quite superb!"

Hermione was growing red, one of her eyebrows arching in anger as she clutched her hand into a fist.

"C-come on then, Luna!" Ginny said, beating a quick retreat with Luna chattering on about Wrackspurts at her side.

Bill and Fleur had melted into the shadows at some point, and it was pretty obvious to anyone who'd seen them leave that they'd been inspired to get up to some moaning of their own. Harry looked at Remus and Sirius, who shrugged.

"If I'd known this was all about a back scratch, I'd have offered," Sirius said, leering slightly, "I am, after all, very skilled in that area, as Remus here can attest to."

Lupin blushed at this admission but said nothing.

Harry looked at the two of them with widened eyes and seemed to realize what had been meant.

"AHHHHH!" he exclaimed, grinning, "YOU! AND YOU! _Really_?"

"Well, Tonks is also kind of involved, but...well...that's really none of your business!" Lupin huffed as Sirius rolled his eyes and made a rude motion with his hands as he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Ken someone explain what is goin' on?" Hagrid gasped, having finally pulled himself up to his feet.

"I think I can shed some light on the situation," Severus said coldly, standing up in one fluid motion as he draped his cloak over Hermione's shoulders. "It seems that the Boy Who Can't Keep His Nose Out of Other People's Business and his sidekick, The Freckled Wonder, have been up to their favorite activity."

"And _that_ is?" Harry retorted hotly.

"Why, jumping to conclusions, of course," Severus replied, glaring at Harry until he shrunk backwards. "And you! Hagrid, breaking down doors over _hearsay_! You should be ashamed!"

Hagrid bowed his head in mortification and mumbled an apology before turning and stomping back the way he'd come.

"Which leaves you two!" Hermione stood and faced Harry and Ron, the black cloak over her shoulders making her look like a miniature Snape from the neck down. She pointed an accusatory finger at them. "You two, infuriating, meddling….DUNDERHEADS!"

Harry could see the little amused twitch on either side of Snape's lips, and he almost said something snarky in return, but the look of fury on Hermione's face made him go silent. He hung his head, mumbling something under his breath.

" _What was that_?!" Hermione exclaimed, standing in front of Severus with her hands on her hips. It was like standing near an open flame- she was radiating electric energy, and it crackled over her skin like blue lightning.

"I'm sorry. Snape. Hermione." Harry said, deflating until he felt like he was sinking into his shoes. "We'll be going now."

"Good! Good riddance!" Hermione replied with a sniff as Harry grabbed Ron by the collar and dragged him away as he rocked and blubbered, his eyes open wide but not focusing on anything.

Harry knew that he'd think twice before ever eavesdropping ever again, and if the look on Ron's face was any indication, it would be quite some time before he would be able to do much of anything at all.

* * *

"I think you scared them off for good this time," Severus purred as Hermione pulled out her wand and fastened the heavy door on its hinges with a well-timed swish and flick. A second silent spell from his wand added a heavy-duty ward as well as a number of magical silver locks on the door.

"Oh _really_?" Hermione said amusedly, turning to him with a small smirk on her lips.

"Oh, yes, I think that you'll be able to howl for _ages_ without hearing a peep from the scarred wonder and his red-headed _peanut gallery_ out there," Severus replied, tipping her chin up with one long, pale finger and looking deeply into her eyes.

"Oh, you know _just_ what to say to turn a girl on," Hermione replied, her breathing growing shallow as the electric pulses of power began to subside on her skin.

"Then my words have had the _intended_ effect," Severus purred, bringing his lips to hers. "Now, then, how about getting up to _exactly_ what they thought we were up to to begin with?"

Hermione blushed, her breath growing labored and she nodded, pointing her wand at the door and casting an extra strong Silencing spell as she followed him back to the bed.

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow in askance.

"Simple," Hermione replied, her eyebrow arched as she grinned and dropped his cape to the floor, stepping towards him with a predatory gleam in her eyes. "It's _my_ turn to make _you_ moan."

Though many muffled sounds were heard emanating from the other side of the heavy oak door for the remaining duration of the night, not one person dared to investigate.


End file.
